Full Circle Loss


A few years back we were at our family home getting some final cleaning done so it could be rented out finally. We moved out August 2013 and it took almost 2 years for it to be ready to go...


It took forever and I was furious at the fact I could not get this done sooner no matter how hard I tried. I know the original move-out was for the kids grieving process, but over those 2 years when I would return to the property I'd get dizzy, nauseous, faint, I'd feel a sense of heaviness, get very short tempered, and just want to cry... That house was mine and my husband's 1st and only home...


We moved in 9/2000 and bought it a year later. Then on 6/21/2002 I was startled awake at 3:40am by 4 month old to find our family home in flames... A total loss they said, one we were not properly insured for... After the insurance company released the home to us, my husband worked hard to clean out our personal effects while I worked hard drawing the blueprints and working with contractors for our new family home... And on May 3, 2003 we were given occupancy back to our home.

I'm not exaggerating when I say my hubby and I were dealt the devil's share of challenges as a young couple. The move back home was going to be our fresh start. Over the years we faced the good times and the bad, sometimes together, sometimes apart, but we never stopped loving each other or our kids.


All the schooling in the world could never prepare you for what you will truly face when you get out in society. Losing it all, which my hubby and I were no strangers too, is the hardest way to learn, but once you find your way back it makes you that much stronger... We fought our own demons while building a life for our family together in our home...


That home was our sanctuary, our oasis, our shelter from life... But even it's tall red ceder walls couldn't stop mine and my husband's final loss on Oct. 7, 2011 when my husband died suddenly... The grief became too much to bear in our family home. What was once our sanctuary had become a prison of memories and unbridled emotions. Two of my sons often stayed at my parents house over the summer to escape the emotional vortex... Summer ended and they did not return home. Being at home was too much for them... It was then I realized we were going to have to move out of our family home, mine and my husband's home...

After several months and some horrible dealings with shady contractors we had found a house we like and were able to move... The weekend we made the initial move my body finally surrendered to an illness that had been eating at me quietly for over a year... The daily battle then became indescribable as that disease took what seemed to be more then you had or were willing to give from you... And so the struggle to ready our family home for another occupant began.


The inside was fresh and ready to go, the exterior soon followed... And now 6 years later we are looking at having to sell the home instead of passing it down. To this day the kids and I have a hard time entering the home or being on the property... The good times from there have turned to grief and we lose time when we are there, experience a barrage of emotions and physical reactions, we can't seem to leave fast enough...


But the kids would like to one day face those demons, they asked to keep the home so that one of them can make a fresh start as an adult there in our family home... unfortunately, life throws us a curveball and we are struggling to evict the tenants, my children are not in a place to afford the home, and there are bills that need to be paid that the sale of this home would greatly help.


I hope luck is on our side as we find the right family to call it their home... it will be hard to let such a sentimental attachment go... but it is a necessity to grow...

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