The first greeting I had then morning of October 9, 2015 were the words, "Happy Anniversary, Mom." My sweet Lexie wishing me joy, a reminder that day would've been my 19th Wedding Anniversary, had Mike not passed away.
That's the thing with a sudden passing, there was no preparation, no final good-bye, no known final anything, so for the ones left behind it can be difficult to let go of the together what's next moments... birthdays, anniversaries, holidays all pass and you struggle with the presence and the absence of Mike being here and gone.
I, like many other young widows have held it together, for my kids, my family, his family, our friends... I have watched all of my children manage and struggle with their grief, I have watched my parents and siblings grieve Mike and grieve for our loss, I have seen from a distance the grieving of his father and most beloved sister, I witnessed the immediate impact on his friends and coworkers... I am just now starting to feel the full weight of what his loss means to me...
I lost a husband, a father to my kids, a best friend, a provider, a lover, a catalyst, an antagonist, a protector, a dance partner, a friendly ear, an honest opinion, years of invested emotions and time, and so much more...
I'm now a widow, both mom and dad to my kids, my best friend is different and no longer understands me like he did, I struggle financially, the left side of the bed is cold, no one is lighting a fire under my ass, no one pushing against my my thoughts and beliefs, no one to hold me after a bad dream, no one to step on my toes, no one to hear me out and just listen, or tell it just how it is... I have done the courtship, the family meetings, a first apartment, a dog or two, an engagement, a marriage, our first house, 4 kids, surgeries, near death experiences, a house fire, car accidents, young love that matures, arguments, tears, laughter, troubled waters, growing apart, a separation, waiting, hoping, praying, negotiating, a reconciliation, growing together, repairing the trust, being a family again, working on our forever, and then your were gone...
4 years now and my heart is lonely and I have considered looking to meet someone new, but it is so different, it is not like 1995 (the last time I dated), it is not for me, the act of courting is a thing of the past, it all seems to be done over text or email, picture exchanges of naughty-bits wanted before you even meet for drinks, and men with emotional baggage they can not manage... This is not for me... I already put my time into building a relationship, a family, I put my emotions into building love and trust, I'm the reason my man had emotional baggage and he the reason I had mine, I shouldn't have to be considering a new relationship, or trying to to navigate an internet dating site or the bar scene (both which I hate), what we had worked for us and worked just fine, and it's gone...
I have been through a barrage of emotions silently with some spill over on social media and an even smaller amount to family and friends... from grief, to sorrow, to anger and more... I'm managing, I'm loved, and I know I'll get through this precious loss... but knowing all that doesn't will not make it any easier... especially if I decide to build another relationship like ours...